


Flirting

by EvilEkat



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: in other words we're all doomed, mrs. bitters has a very deep rant about 1984 and how it is relevant to modern day society, what is a flirt-ing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-09 01:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4328745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilEkat/pseuds/EvilEkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zim observes a curious Earth ritual known as "flirting" take place. He formulates a plan to control all the population of Earth with this new-found knowledge. </p><p>"Ms. Bitters, have I ever told you your crushing of the human spirit is a most admirable trait?"</p><p>"OUT!"</p><p>Unfortunately for Zim, females of Earth aren't very accommodating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flirting

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim

It was a perfectly hideous day at skool. Currently all of the wretched students were on lunch break, taking their respite from classes in the disgusting room. Flies buzzed around the "food" being served and the mysterious gunk that was splattered on the walls. The always putrid odor of bologna, smelly feet, and crushed dreams filled the room. But, it was not enough to destroy the talkative nature of all the students.

The students sat at their usual tables with friends, establishing a defined social class between all of them. For the most part, the flimsy tables and benches were filled with children. Eating lunches brought from home, gossiping, being maimed by the lunch ladies' suspicious french fries. It was all the usual activity. With the exception of one table in a particularly empty and dark part of the cafeteria. Here, two people sat at a table. Well, two people and one alien bent on taking over the world.

Unable to concentrate on any of the schematics he had brought from his base, Zim glared at all of the pathetic human beings that surrounded him. What was the cause of his distractions? It was not his rival Dib, trying to peer over his shoulder. He was too invested in plans of his own. So what was the curious thing that irritated his squeedelyspooch so much?

Then, it struck the tiny green master mind. He was used to ignoring the laughably stupid discussions of his peers. But this time, it seemed there had been a change in their tones. The Irken quickly scanned the room, searching for the root of his problem.

He found it standing off to the side, not too far away from where Dib and his scary sister Gaz sat. A crowd of girls stood around something or someone, giggling and laughing, while tossing their hair. He caught a brief glimpse of what the horde of females were standing around.

 _"Keef?"_ he wondered to himself. _"How could that dirt-headed filth-monkey possibly attract the attention of those female humans?"_

He disregarded the fact that he was now standing next to the Dib in order to discover his former best friend's secret. Keef was surrounded by the ring of girls, and held a book in his hands. He would glance down at it every now and then, saying something to the nearest girl. He was manipulating them in some way! But how? Some sort of brainwashing, mind control?

"Dib-Stink," Zim began, addressing Dib."What primitive Earth ritual is Keef performing on those female monkeys?"

Dib rolled his eyes, not even bothering to look up from his spiral note-book. The clueless attitude Zim had towards humans sometimes baffled him. Was he really the only one who ever noticed?

"He's flirting with them."

"Flir-ting?"

"Yes. It's a very _normal human_ thing to do."

Zim looked at his rival, startled. The fate of the mission could be sealed by this process. He gave a diabolical smile, displaying his oddly serrated teeth.

"And how do I perform this flir-ting?"

* * *

Later that same day, Zim sat in his desk. He was idly twiddling a pencil while staring at the clock. There were mere seconds left until he would be free of the horrible education for another day.

"And in conclusion, George Orwell's _1984_ tells us a story about how if all of you all continue to fail in using your shriveled up excuses for brains the human race will imminently fall in to ruin. Meaning we will all eventually be doomed. Doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doo-"

The sweet sound of the skool bell rang through the building. Children rushed out of the class, but Zim remained in his uncomfortable desk along with Dib. Zim was just trying to comprehend this "flirting" thing, and Dib was there observing Zim.

Ms. Bitters did not like these two children remaining in her class room. Growling, she glided over to Zim.

"Zim," she hissed, "is there any particular reason you choose to remain in my class room?"

The alien stared up at the sever woman, debating an idea. Then, blinking his contact-encased eyes in what was decidedly an endearing fashion.

"Ms. Bitters, have I ever told you that your crushing of the human spirit is a most admirable trait?"

The old woman growled, grating her teeth.

"OUT!"

Standing up, Zim rubbed his backside. He looked up at the window his teacher had thrown him out of.

"Fine! You merely do not understand the great honor of succumbing to the charms of ZIM!"

He stormed down the streets, making sure to refer to his computer once he got to the base on more advanced tactics. On his way back, he noticed a familiar purple and black figure making her way back to her own house. Gaz, the younger sister of Zim was walking home, of course absorbed in the latest level of _Flaming Raccoons, the Return of the Space Gorillas._

_"Hmmm, the Dib-Sister seems like a worthy target. Her powers of darkness would surely help me in ruling this ball of filth!"_

Zim imagined as a hollow-eyed Gaz used her tactics in intimidation to scare the whole population of skool in to respecting him. Yes, this was certainly the perfect scheme to take over with. The alien skipped across the street, catching up to the girl. Gaz made no acknowledgement of his presence, furiously button mashing.

"Dib-Sister," he began.

Gaz decided she may as well bother with replying to Zim's usual idiotic tendencies.

"It's Gaz," she spat.

"Yes that." The invader waved off, too busy with his head lost in his fantasies.

Flashy red letting darted across the screen of her Game Slave, announcing that the final boss was approaching. The purple haired child tightened her grip on the console, regretting ever bothering with the alien. She would need her full concentration to collect enough points to buy a save spot and still get in to the top three record for points. Otherwise, she would-

"Little Gaz, if I were to finally perfect my anti-gravity magnets that would send the Earth FLYING OUT OF ORBIT CAUSING A HORRIBLE IMPLOSION THAT WOULD DESTROY ALL HUMAN LIFE! Ahem, I would be disappointed if you were to be exterminated as pathetically easily as the rest of your primitive race."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Gaz snarled, almost breaking her concentration to plunge Zim in to a nightmarish dimension of pure suffering.

"What it means, is that you have been honorably been chosen by Zim as the first dirt-smelly to fall under my _brilliant_ control in my conquest."

Gaz did not bother to recognize what he had said. He must have been attempting to flirt with her after Dib had explained what it was to the alien. If any guy would dare try to flirt with her, they would find that they would one day wake up with less head than usual. That is, if any guy asides from her brother were dumb enough to even approach her. Apparently, Zim was the only being dumb enough to pester her.

Zim, noting her lack of bowing down and declaring her his leader, decided farther persuasion would be required. Picking up his pace (Gaz was walking more quickly, trying to ditch him.) he said, "your commanding of the dark forces and general displeasure makes you stand out amongst the other familiars of your kind."

This did not seem to work. She ignored him.

"Your spiky hair is a purple that compares to the preservation fluids in only the most delicate of scientific research!"

Gaz muttered something under her breath, but remained otherwise unfazed. As much as he loathed the idea, Zim realized he would have to succumb to more _human_ methods. The alien placed an arm on her shoulder. Gaz abruptly froze. This was pushing her to the limits of her cold tolerance, making her want to drag her attention away from the game.

"Zim. Take it off, or I will break it off, and shove it up your scrawny green-"

"Zim! You leave my little sister alone you disgusting green alien!"

Dib popped up from some bushes off to the side, pointing what looked like a bottle of mayonnaise at the invader. Gaz sighed, rolling her eyes before resuming her walk home. The last thing she wanted to deal with after another long week was the antics of idiots number one and two respectively.

"No! Gaz stay here!"

The girl would have walked back anyways, but she knew her brother would give her hell later. No longer glued to the screen of her Game Slave, she glared at the two rivals.

"You think you can just get away with trying to _seduce_ my sister?!" Dib asked, still pointing the bottle at him.

"What?! There was no _ducing_ in Zim's attempts to control your sister's brain with my flir-ting."

"It's se-duce. And don't you try lying with me you green menace! There's no way my sweet-"

"Bringer of darkness," Gaz quietly corrected.

"Innocent-"

"Acquitted of all charges," she amended once more.

"Caring-"

"Unfeeling."

"Sister-"

"Unfortunately."

"-Would ever fall for your sorry tries at charming!"

"Once again Dib-Stink, I was not _charming_ your sister, I was merely flir-ting with her."

"It's the same thing!" Dib screamed, waving his arms.

"Yes, yes that," he invader dismissed. "Even if I was trying to subdue-"

"Seduce," Dib said.

"-your sister, it seems she is too thick-headed to see the amazing opportunity that is ZIM!"

" _Thick-headed_?!"

**_Wack!_ **

Using Dib's gigantic head, she smashed it against Zim's. Both of then groaned, clutching their heads as throbbing pain spread through their craniums. Gaz stalked of, unpausing her game. Why did she even bother to spare a thought for those two?

Zim winced as Dib's scary sister treaded over his antenna with her cleats. Dib moaned as well, laying on the side of the road.

"Dib-Monkey-Smell-Worm..." Zim faded off unsure of what insults to use. "Ugh. It seems my plan has taken an unexpected U-turn thanks to your sister, but that does not mean Zim shall give up. NO! Zim shall never loose!"

"But you just did!"

"What? No! The mission has only begun! I just need more practice!"

The hated nemesis from two different galaxies stared up at the sky. One imagining it's flaming destruction, the other hoping it would always remain so blue.

"Earth-Smell, have I ever told you how the gravity defying properties of your hair amuse me?"

**_ Fin _ **


End file.
